bad self-confidence

you know how it's like, when someone tell you that you look bad, have ugly clothes, you look fat etc?

I'm this person who don't really give a shit to people who tell me stuff like that.
well, if it's bitches, who's not nice, then I don't care at all. But if my one of my friends tells me, and then goes "joking" I start wondering: "what makes them think about it? there must be reason?"

then it's forgotten about.
but, if your mum and/or dad looks at your tummy, and then tells you you have to do more practising, you get hurt.
If it's just once, it's not that bad. You get over it.
then they say it again, that you have to practise more, and stop eating sweets.
"WHO WILL LOVE ME, WITHOUT THINKING I'M FAT, if my mum and dad don't?"

my dad did excactly that. He did it when my friends was visiting, and then went "I didn't say you were fat!"
I've been running and weight lifting everyday. and sit-ups.
no sweets other than Saturdays, and then just a few.


TODAY:
me: "mum, I need a new pair of jeans. the ones I have are to small"
mum: "I haven't heard anything about new trousers? only a new sports-bra and t-shirts."
me: "I've said it loads of times!"
mum: "you got a pair of new ones just recently.
me: "two years ago."
mum: "yeah, it's okay. but you have to stop putting on weight"

I've been trying REALLY hard this autumn to loose weight!
and, honest, I'm not really fat! there's LOADS of people that's soooo much bigger than me!
I'm only 60-someting kilos, and 162 cm high.
I'm not overweight, and I've tried to get more muscels + less fat.
even the boys in my year can see I've got more muscels !


what helped me this time, was (as always) my guitar.
I ran into my room, and got my guitar.
I played "Lonely" by McFly, and felt SO much better :)
thank you McFly for making that song, I really needed it today!

Siv
xxxx